i just knew…
when women say ‘i just knew i was pregnant’ a non pregnant woman may take that to mean that they were filled with a divine spiritual knowledge that they were becoming a mother… or at least that’s what i thought. well in my experience, i also ‘just knew’, but the reason? it was like getting the flu, but without the cold. it was like getting halfway through your day, stopping, looking down and wondering if you woke up in someone else’s body this morning as all these little ‘non you’ things keep happening. for me though, the main reasons ‘i knew’ was firstly the fact i had gone off food, this lasted weeks, and it was traumatic as eating is my favourite thing to do. and secondly, the ‘pangs’. i started to feel strange ‘pangs’ on my left side. i researched into it and figured out that’s where all my ovary stuff is… “ok emma, don’t get excited”. then a week later, same pangs, but this time below my belly button…. “oh my goodness can I get excited yet??”.
now please don’t get me wrong, as soon as you suspect you are, any pains seem like good pain, and the beautiful warm knowing feeling does become you… but ‘i just knew’ is misleading, just saying.
it is very ironic, that as soon as you suspect you are pregnant you put down the wine and pick up the water, maybe sleep a bit more, and you eat a bit better, so this will make you feel great surely?
nope, you start to feel like you are hungover, all the time. you took it easy and secretly laughed at your friends, thinking the next day you will feel the benefit, but no, you suffer with them. it’s quite nice though. i love to feel sorry for myself; i stay in bed, watch films, and surround myself with the food i love, so it was great, and actually just what i needed!
fancy nail varnish…
when i suspected i was, i had a look online at all the things they suggest that you avoid, at least for your first trimester. my goodness there are lots! but one that really surprised me was nail varnish. you are not meant to wear nail varnish unless it states that it is free of the three scary sounding chemicals Dibutyl Phthalate, Formaldehyde and Toluene (for more details click here). but nail varnish is my main girly indulgence! so i look up the fancy ones that are suitable for pregnant ladies, oh ok, so in order to look after the health of my unborn baby i need to buy nice nail varnishes like essie?? well if that’s good mothering, i will obviously comply. after buying my standard dark purple and a crazy glittery one for the festive season from essie, i got the energy to check through all my existing ones to see if any of them were safe…. oh they all are, whoops.
sharing good news is actually really cruel.
i live in a little village, not much happens here, so if anything is over heard it becomes a rumour. i had never realised before that the seemingly nice share of “so and so is pregnant but it’s still hush hush” could cause so much harm. because you are so happy for that person, it’s an easy mistake to make. but being on the other end is actually really upsetting. picture it, you think you might be pregnant, you have to take the folic acid and avoid the many hazards, but you are not allowed to get excited or take it for granted, as either you don’t know if you are or not, or even if you do know, the risk of miscarriage is so high, that getting excited and preparing for it is just cruel. so you don’t, you inform your very closest friends or family, and then you have to wait in the equilibrium of being so very happy but so very worried that it could all be taken away from you. it’s hell, but you tolerate it. until you see a random person in the village and you instantly know that they know (the signs; they will give you a massive smile, ask you how you are but actually seem interested in an answer, then during conversation their eyes will flick to your stomach. even the most discreet person will do this). so suddenly you have to add the fact that if you do happen to miscarry that it won’t only be heartbreaking for you and your partner, but the whole village will know and ask questions and start showing a whole new batch of sympathy signs. there is also the factor that the friends or family you have not yet told, as you want to wait until the risk is lower, may find out via someone you hardly know. whatever stress you were under before is now trebled, which certainly isn’t good for the baby! so next time, if you hear someone is, or might be, don’t pass it on, it’s a secret for very good reason.
a shift in behaviour
one of the many lovely things i have noticed since becoming pregnant is my shift in behaviour. be it to my cats, who if I have to leave for a long amount of time and i know they will get lonely, it will not only register in my brain as being an issue but it will make me mega sad (saying that at the beginning it only took a tv advert to make me cry so that could also be a factor).
but it was also my behaviour towards myself. i was in london a month ago, and the train station was only a 15 minute walk from where i was, perfect, that’ll be good exercise. but then i got lost, it was getting dark, i was tired, alone, and i didn’t know where i was. this was when i first noticed how protective i had become about my own body. if anything were to happen to me, it could harm my baby, i was hardly showing then, my attacker wouldn’t even know i’m carrying precious cargo. i was angry at myself, for getting my body into this situation. i had become a protective mother, and my baby was only the size of a plum. but what a lovely feeling that is.